1. read shitty books. yes, reading DFW looks really good and makes your brain work and is very good for you but you know what else is fun sometimes? re-reading the collected works of lauren conrad.
2. develop a good relationship with your lady doctor. don’t be annoying. don’t call her with every pregnancy scare or bump on your lady parts. but get to know her. make her laugh. this will save your life at least once. or at least keep you in xanax for those rough patches.
3. curse a often. when one of your male co workers apologizes for swearing in front of you shrug and tell him to go fuck himself.
4. captains log write down all your accomplishments. personally and professionally. even if you have to just add them to your resume. and then your resume becomes this like 6 page long opus of things like “did not burn cookies” “sucessfully paid all bills on time for 3 months in a row!” and “avoided confrontation with friend over delightful dress at sample sale by agreeing to share custody.” when you’re re-doing your resume you can turn that into some pretty cool cover letter material: “thinks outside the box” “financially responsible” and “excellent at tough negotiations” come to mind.
5. dance party, once a week.
6. create a filing system that only you can understand. two words: job security.
7. no one is happy all the time. so why should you be expected to be a fucking ray of sunshine all the time? if you’re pissed? be pissed. if someone asks you if you’re on your period or brings your ability to work into question “because you’re all worked up” grab them by the balls and lift them into the ceiling then walk away.
8. email means never having to say you’re sorry. never apologize in a profesh email. say it to their face. if you can’t for whatever reason? tell the person that you appreciate their patience. that doesn’t mean you aren’t sorry. its just better to say it. (this does not apply to your friends and loved ones. you apologize to your mother or your girlfriend or boyfriend or brother or sister via all means of communication)
9. drink a ton of water.
10. calm the fuck down.